I have wrestled with starting a “real blog” for several years. Practically, I haven’t ever had a computer of my own so blogging was always something I would have to plan ahead for; that doesn’t really work. Second, I am not sure if I can decide what the reader ought to know or not. Last, I have baskets of journals, paper ones, that truly tell my story. However, I think this is a good season to tell you about me and where I have been and where I am going. For now I own a sweet little laptop all my own and I am all grown up. Ha.
Here is a refrain of a season past. . . to start this new spring.
Originally written Thursday, May 20, 2010
I often hear people use the analogy of the layers of an onion to describe growth. I understand that peeling back of the layers reveal a certain potency. Today I posted that the” layers keep peeling back.”
I feel more like a rose, closed tightly with the petals forcibly being peeled away from the protective hug they cling too. Petals that are not ready to bloom on their own. Delicate scents cloister themselves inside. Deeply in the center of me is a woman I know is stirring to grow. I keep her locked up, thinking the growing should be a process. . . a gradual, fluid blossoming journey. Yet my petals alway seem to be pried open before I am “ready.” This blooming feels rough.
Today my daddy had a stroke. He is ok. He speaks the same. He walks the same. He thinks the same. He explained away all the reasons I should not be worried. I nodded my head and kept my voice from quivering as he assured me it was “mild.”
Yesterday, I pushed my limits in doing too much. .. I worked too much.
Monday, someone hurt me deeply with her accusations.
On Sunday we spent time with a friend who speaks about Jesus in a way others do not. I feel a little bit off course. I am unsettled in my daily walking, There is another way to spend the time. My heart is heavy.
Last week our office manager found a job that will provide a full time income. It leaves a hole here to fill. It can be filled, it is just so much work to learn new things,
100% of our business changes now. Summer is all different. All Medical billing changes. New processes and procedures. new patience to know. New failures to grow through.
Last week we discovered that water is running into the walls and under the floor and molding the brand new carpet and construction we just completed.
2 weeks ago we finished that room. The feeling of accomplishment WAS amazing.
I long for deep community that used to be mine.
Inside of an onion is a core. The most potent flavor is there.
Inside of a rose, tucked deeply beneath the petals is a scent that whispers and brightens, a softness that sooths, but most importantly that is where the seeds are hiding. Seeds that can propagate more growth.
Peel on, for I do not bloom with out the trials.